Is It Possible to Be Too Nice at Work?
We often hear that it’s good to be nice, but can we ever be too nice at work? It’s a question that comes up often in our conversations with leaders and teams, especially in organisations that value harmony and collaboration.
In this episode of The Strategic Leader, we explored what happens when being nice starts to get in the way of clarity, performance, and honest communication, and how we can shift from niceness to kindness.
The Problem with Niceness
At first glance, niceness feels positive. It keeps the peace, avoids confrontation, and helps us maintain harmony. But niceness can also be passive and superficial. It often means we prioritise our own comfort over what’s best for others.
When we try too hard to be nice, we might avoid important conversations or soften our feedback so much that the message becomes unclear. Over time, this leads to confusion, repeated mistakes, and frustration. What feels like keeping the peace can actually make things harder for everyone involved.
Why Kindness Is Better Than Niceness
Kindness is very different from niceness. It’s intentional and active. When we act with kindness, we choose to do what is truly in service of others, even when that means saying something that might be uncomfortable in the moment.
As Brene Brown so wisely says, “clear is kind.” Clarity might feel difficult for a few seconds, but it saves everyone from long-term uncertainty and frustration. Being kind means we care enough to be honest and direct.
The 15-Second Rule of Discomfort
We all know the feeling of wanting to avoid a difficult conversation. Yet, as we’ve learned, most of that discomfort only lasts around 15 seconds, the time it takes to say the thing that needs to be said. Once we’ve spoken the truth, the tension usually starts to ease.
When we remember that the discomfort is temporary, it becomes easier to step into these moments with courage. We can remind ourselves that those few seconds of awkwardness are an act of kindness when they lead to clarity and growth.
Courageous Conversations
We’ve worked with many organisations that recognise how being “too nice” can hold them back. One of the most effective ways to address this is through what we call Courageous Conversations. These are the moments when we choose honesty, clarity, and care over comfort.
Having a courageous conversation means being willing to be temporarily unpopular for the sake of doing the right thing. It requires us to balance directness with empathy, to speak truthfully but with genuine care for the other person.
From Niceness to Radical Candour
We often draw on Kim Scott’s Radical Candour model, which brings together two key principles: caring personally and challenging directly. When we care personally, we want the best for the other person. When we challenge directly, we’re willing to say what needs to be said, even if it’s uncomfortable.
When these two things come together, we achieve what Scott calls radical candour, open, honest communication that builds trust and respect. If we care without challenging, we fall into “ruinous empathy”. If we challenge without care, we risk “obnoxious aggression”. The goal is to find that balanced middle ground.
Creating a Culture of Everyday Feedback
One of the most powerful ways we can move from niceness to kindness is by normalising feedback. Feedback shouldn’t be saved for performance reviews or difficult moments. It should be a regular, natural part of our conversations.
A simple way to do this is to ask, “What went well?” and “What could be even better if…?” This turns feedback into a shared learning process and helps everyone focus on continuous improvement rather than criticism.
Choosing Kindness Over Niceness
Ultimately, being kind is about acting in service of others, not protecting our own comfort. It’s about helping people grow, even when that means saying something they might not want to hear.
We can still be warm, respectful, and supportive, but we need to be clear too. Niceness avoids discomfort. Kindness embraces it for the right reasons.
Our Takeaway
We believe that leading with kindness requires courage. It’s about being brave enough to say what matters and caring enough to do it with empathy. It’s a skill that grows with practice and it’s worth the effort, because when we replace niceness with kindness, everyone benefits- people, teams, and the organisation as a whole.